How can I begin to make a difference and express myself without first grasping a full understanding of who I am?  Being twenty two is harder than I thought it was going to be. I know, I’m still so young, what have I got to complain about?  My life as a twenty-two year old is different then my life as a twenty or twenty-one year old.  When I was twenty-one I experimented a lot and thought I knew who I was.  I had no grasp on how to even begin to mature because I just went with how I felt and let everything hang out.  Not physically, but emotionally.  I did a lot of things that weren’t healthy in the slightest, but were definitely exciting and unforgettable. 

Over the past year and a half I’ve realized that I don’t know really much of anything and I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  Mistakes with men, women, jobs, friends, school, finances.  One thing I’ve really began to turn around is my health.  Although since moving here my immune system has pretty much crashed and I’m sick every other month, I’ve been taking a lot more care of myself.  I exercise, eat healthier, take more vitamins, don’t drink as often and my diet has become more and more like a pescetarian’s.

I am so thankful for my friends who understand me and have been with me through all the great times as well as the bullshit.  Believe me, I know I’m a difficult person to get close to.  Not because I’m cold or distant but because I’m a complicated, very emotional person.  I feel a lot and I have a difficult time dealing with myself sometimes.  I can’t think of a word or a way to say how blessed I am to have other people who I love so much and that love me right back and accept every part of me although I sometimes can’t.

Months ago my brother was driving my mom’s car on the 101 when some stupid guy speeding way over the speed limit hit him. The car my brother was driving was also going pretty fast, flipped 4 times and was completely totaled. By some sort of miracle he left the wreck without any broken bones or cuts at all. The paramedics they were surprised he was in such good condition let alone alive.

Regardless, he was left with extreme trauma, unable to sleep from night mares and torn muscles which led him to have to stop swimming and going to school because of the extreme pain he was in. I write about it as though this is all in the past, and the fact is although hes making amazing recovery both physically and emotionally…it’s not just a memory. He still deals with the effects of the crash.

This 20-something retard could have killed my brother if the circumstances had been different. I don’t even want to begin to think about what I would have done if anything happened to him. To be honest, I never completely grasped how deadly cars can be until this happened. I mean of course I knew, but I didn’t really understand how careless people are with something that is so dangerous. Please be careful while driving.

Love you Nics <3

This ones still one of my oldie favorites, although her arms cut off.

Model: Lauren Hicks

It seems as though human beings are constantly searching for the point in their lives when they’ve got it all together. When everything feels just right and completely puzzle pieced. I’ve come to the belief that no one will ever find that perfect ending where they feel like there is no purpose to continue learning, searching, and being. If there is ever a time that someone comes across what some people call “finding a perfect ending” I don’t think it’s anywhere near bliss. In fact, after they’re done rejoicing about having come to a point where longing no longer exists I can imagine its got to be quite the opposite.

For me, if I understand and appreciate that there is no perfect ending in sight it makes existing in the here and now so much more blissful. I’m not rushing to get to the “end” because to me the journey is so much more important than the destination.

Of course its important for everyone to get their ducks in a row and go head on towards their goals but as long as they don’t stop after they’ve reached completion.

Anyway, I’m not here to say how the world works, this realization is mostly for me. I need to be more happy in the here and now. Although I quite often only live in the present, I’m not happy with it.

Still adding to the playlist but start this baby up whenever you need a little sexy hug from Etta or Otis.

Every new situation is a chance to learn. Especially when they are uncomfortable or cause you to have bad feelings. You can learn about what you don’t like about yourself or what past traumas you havent yet worked out.

One example is the feeling of being left out and why that makes me so extremely miserable. Its a constant feeling I struggle with. Ever since I was little I’ve HATED feeling like I wasn’t wanted or welcomed somewhere. I mean who likes feeling left out, right? No one, but this seems to completely cripple me. But why!? Why?

This is one example of how bad feelings get me thinking about my own psyche and inner struggles. What are yours?

Whenever things become too overwhelming I’ve learned to take a deep breath and slowly let it out. it works best if you close your eyes and just focus on how it feels to fill your lungs up and breathe. Its extremely calming.

Going off on a tangent, but I cant believe people go from no communication to being able to pick up words and then puzzle piece them with other words to make sentences. How amazing is that! Every piece of that information is stored in our little minds at such a young age. I really wish I was taught other languages as a child. I’d love to be able to communicate with other people from around the world. Not that its impossible for me to learn now but the older I get the harder it will become. Language is such a gift.

The moonlight paved the streets of San Francisco, shimmering like tiny crystals on the waves at night. Crashing down with a sound that resembled a metronome. Chomping away at the rocks with a sweet kiss. Two lips pressed together to create an electric connection. So passionate, a spark consuming what little space was left in that hard kiss. Rubbing lips and pounding hips, two magnets inside a storm. No sound other than the deep exhale of the city’s wind. A pulsing wave of swirling breath creates a cloud of white noise.

The desire to have someone to love is the one universal thing people all over the world can relate to. Maybe some long for it and think about it more than others but everyone just wants to be loved.

Its scary how lonely I sometimes feel when I go long periods without someone to be affectionate with. I dont want to rely on anyone but myself to make me happy and I feel like I’ve been doing a pretty good job at that. The thing is I have a big heart. Maybe a heart that’s too big sometimes so I let in just about anyone. I tend to open myself up too quickly which ends up either getting me screwed over or scaring people away. Something I cant get enough of are close connections. Sometimes all I really want is for someone to just hold me tight and run their fingers through my hair. To look me in the eyes and sincerely tell me they love me. To tickle me until I’m crying from laughter even if I’m playfully begging them to stop. Sometimes I think the amount of time I spend trying to make close connections and thinking about love, whether its romantic or not is a bit dramatic. Maybe it has something to do with my childhood, don’t all ridiculous things in your adult life lead back to your childhood? Perhaps I got enough words of love, because I know if there’s one thing my father did right it was tell me everyday that he loved me, but not enough acknowledgment. 

I know in my recent relationships/flings/dates/etc., I’ve had a tendency to rush things because I want so badly to skip the awkward getting to know someone stage. Its that feeling when you think back to a past relationship where the good was so amazing and the bad was so terrible and still miss it all. Recently that’s all I want, but I know that’s not realistic at all. Until I finally accept that there is no chance of finding something of equal or greater caliber to that sort of relationship without going through the “waste of time” beginning. I know it takes time for two people to become close, I guess I’ve just become extremely impatient.

I’m tired of having my heart feel empty. Theres a special place is there reserved for a special someone.

Every single track on every single album of his makes me nostalgic.

Bon Iver - For Emma